so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
