people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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