so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
