I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
