if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
