every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
