god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
