a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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