You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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