Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
