I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
