Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
