I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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