Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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