Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I wish there were birth control emojis
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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