Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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