I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
