I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
