You made me cry and you don't even care
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
