all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
