I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found puke in my bra..
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
