I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
