i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit