i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
