I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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