people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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