OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
