Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
