So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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