I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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