sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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