she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
