dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
