around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
