I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
