Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
