no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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