I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
