remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
