I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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