Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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