I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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