at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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