I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
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he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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