Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
