Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize