I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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