the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
