Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
