Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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