It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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