overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
