im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We need to rekindle our bromance
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
