yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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