he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
