You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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