i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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