Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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