his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
